6am

It’s 6 AM and I’m sitting on the floor. I didn’t turn the lights on, I didn’t want to wake you up. It’s the first time after many weeks that I feel like I’m home and I didn’t want to wake you up. Last night they asked me again. They asked and I gave them the same answer again. How did you decide to come here? You know what? The right answer is that it was meant to be. That’s what I should have said. But who dares say these words in front of a bunch of people who believe only in what they see? So I said the same old poem again.

“I-was-a-good-kid-my-parents-loved-me-no-no-they-didn’t-love-me-they-loved-how-rarely-I-used-to-disapoint-them-and-I-was-the-best-student-in-class-my-pencils-were-always-sharp-and-my-pimples-always-red-and-then-I-was-a-mediocre-law-student-and-my-books-were-always-highlighted-and-my-throat-always-sore-and-sometimes-I-wished-I-was-deaf-but-my-prayers-never-came-true-so-I-listened-to-loud-music-instead-and-now-my-doctor-says-I-almost-made-it-I-will-lose-my-hearing-in-my-fourties-if-I-continue-this-way-but-I-will-continue-going-to-concerts-and-listening-to-loud-music-and-my-doctor-can-go-back-to-his-coffin-and-die-for-good-this-time-and-anyways-I-graduated-and-everyone-else-was-happy-and-I-was-the-only-one-going-to-dodctors’-appointments-all-the-time-and-noone-could-be-sure-of-my-condition-because-it-wasn’t-a-condition-it-was-just-misery-but-my-legs-were-always-shaved-and-my-hair-always-in-a-ponytail-and-I-won-many-cases-as-a-lawyer-and-I-was-silly-enough-to-believe-that-fighting-with-my-boss-every-now-and-then-over-great-existential-dilemmas-such-as-Beatles-or-Stones-was-enough-and-anyway-it-doesn’t-matter-in-the-end-even-he-wanted-to-become-an-archaeologist-back-in-the-day-but-we-have-to-make-a-living-somehow-and-I-was-happy-since-everyone-else-was-and-what-more-did-I-want-anyway-you-can’t-always-get-what-you-want-but-if-you-try-sometimes-well-you-just-might-find-and-get-what-you-need-yeah-and-I-shouldn’t-be-disrespectful-or-greedy-my-life-was-fine-and-loveless-but-very-tidy-in-any-case-and-then-I-almost-died-again-and-I-am-so-grateful-to-my-stupid-cells-that-they-made-me-choose-either-real-fulfilled-life-or-death-and-then-everything-stopped-making-sense-to-others-but-it-was-the-first-ti me-that-something-made-sense-to-me.”

After an awkward pause they laughed. “My God, this is why I love Katerina, she’s the funniest person in our cohort”. Don’t get mad at them, they didn’t know what to say and obviously they didn’t know that sometimes it’s all right if you don’t know what to say. This is why I feel like home here. Because we can fight over great existential dilemmas such as “Beatles or Stones” knowing at the same time that this is not a short happy break from the general misery. Because we listen to loud music not to escape reality but to magnify it. Because we talk about death just as we would do about any other subject. Because you’re comfortable with us having nothing to say sometimes. And you may hate the Stones but in this case they’re right, “it’s just a kiss away”.